Month: June 2019

Distant.

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… turns out, I am not going to have much of a break.

The last few days have been transformational – things have come my way when I least expected them to and how! I am now caught in the several labyrinths of choices with each of them offering me a way to reach where I see myself.I am euphoric and thrilled and all that but the paradox of choice has never struck harder before.

Now that I know I have something coming up, I would not mind a reasonably long break. It is funny how this my mind works. I always prided myself on being cool about not having a certain place to go but I guess somethings change. As much as I am a homebody (I am that person who will proudly will tell you she cannot make it for a Saturday night out because she wants to stay home and do nothing), I love people. I love feeling connected and having an opportunity to care for others and be there. And going out, meeting people, hugging friends and then meeting some more makes me insanely happy when I feel like it. And the opportunities I have now will enable that, at least the way I see it.

Over the years I have come to view things and act on things in two ways: the first type is where I let go and just get into something with gay abandon, without so much as a care for the why, how and what ifs. These are times when my mind tells me, “go for it. I mean, why not?”. So every time I act on this impulse, I do not spend an iota of thought on it. The second type is where I really start thinking of why should I do something, how does it take me where I see myself, what purpose does it serve and how and why am I adding any value to what is out there already? How is my action making someone’s life better (mine included)? And I have a good mix of both these and being a Gemini has nothing to do with that (ask me tomorrow and my answer may change). I adopt these two approaches for equally important decisions so it is not a case of when I use what. Sometimes I just act on a whim even if it is something that can have big consequences. Without much overthinking, I view this as a strength. It lends a strange sense of balance and comfort to me knowing that there is no secret to figuring things out. Sometimes you just do what feels right to you then and really, things eventually work themselves out one way or the other. All the more reason why I have come to appreciate and value different approaches to living and learning. It has made me more tolerant, accepting and even appreciative of ‘to each her/his own’. It has made me less judgemental of how people approach challenges and made me less inclined to hastily suggest but rather be more empathetic and just listen even if I have nothing to say at all. Many a time, I have come away learning a bit more about myself when I have listened harder. I will even go so far as to say that learning to listen has made me like myself a bit more and be a little less critical and that includes listening to myself as I write this and the train of thoughts that emanate from something so distant.

Distant is the vision I have for myself. But I can see a path. It is really hazy and not without curves and tricky bends and straight paths I can tread with my eyes closed. I will have to make some choices. Sometimes I will just walk without a care and sometimes I may tread with caution. Maybe I will take a detour and try a different destination or a pitstop. I don’t know. I think I will never know. But that is the whole point. How is it fun otherwise? And why would you be excited for tomorrow and next week and the year after?

Where next.

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I have no idea where to begin and how to say what I want to say. Some days trigger a deep rooted nostalgia and a strong craving to be more purposeful in life. It tickles me, inspires me and excites me so much that I want to spend time thinking of how to get around doing it and not start right away. I see it as a blessing but on some days I just cannot. The last few days have been transformational for me.

As a PhD candidate, my work and research formed a big core of my focus. I was/am proud of it, I mean I dedicated 4 years of my life and jumped on it with a lot of zeal and naturally wanted it to be truly insightful to others in the field. I wanted to discover what worked and most importantly that did not. And amidst all this, I was involved in a lot of other things. So, having a big focus but never letting it consume all of me was something I was proud of. So when that went really well, I defended successfully and submitted (Thank you God!), I find an urge to do something more. To push a boundary and to fight. There is a gap now and I want to be able to fill it with more things to pursue, to wake up to, to constantly have in the back of my head (at least most of the times). You see, breaks are good only until they are not. I never have had a ‘break’. I always told everyone and myself I would take a break after PhD, a break to do just “other” stuff. But the truth I have come to realise is, I do a lot of stuff when I have a lot of other stuff to do. It is just how I am wired. I do not think I can be productive if I am too reflective for too long. I love myself a good 2 days and then I need to have things to work against time.

But what makes this all so much weirder is how I take longer breaks and walk away when it gets a bit much. So, I have a very innate unique sense of balance that I am trying to understand, one that I cannot summarise or share in words but one that my body and mind dictate according to circumstances. That is a good thing. Yes, it is a good thing, I guess.

Which brings me back to where I started – I have no idea where to begin or what to say. I have a vague picture of things I want to try my hand at and I have already started on it. Somewhere amidst all this, we are moving homes again (I know!) but we will still be in the UK, so that seems like a pretty minuscule task compared to the big move last year. Right? Anyway, moving homes, shifting our physical locations has stopped affecting me. To me, they are things to be done and get done with. All other decisions on moving and whether we are moving to a place that makes us happy is something you can dwell on but never really know until you have given it a shot and tried your best to work with. And this sort of compartmentalising actions into, “what is under my control” vs. “what is not under my control but I can do my best with” offers a delightfully relaxing perspective of sorts. I save some of the overthinking for other things that prove me wrong (delightfully so) and ones that did not require any of it (as K always warns me). Most importantly, I have come to realise that one can start from anywhere and anyplace. 10 years ago, I had an entirely different set of plans and without giving you too many details, I’d have been sitting in an office in rural India. Five years later, I wanted to be providing services in a rehab clinic and that is what I did. Because at that point, that was what I wanted to do and to me that felt purposeful. So for a while, I wondered to myself of all the possibilities that could have been if I had pursued my first dream. And then I realise, I would not have it any other way. Being what I became and doing what I did opened up a lot of myself to me and helped me understand others better.

And today, I am here. A different purpose but serving a similar dream from a different location. It does not make me as guilty anymore (I still have bouts of guilt and that constant nagging feeling of missing being closer to my family but that is not something for today). I know I am in a place I am meant to be. Perhaps I can fight it and change it, but I don’t want to. Not just yet because I need to harness my energy positively. There is so much to do, so much to see and so much more to learn.

Secure in that knowledge, I will not dwell on the “where next” for now. For now, my mind needs a break. And after all, what are tomorrows for?